I’ve had times in my life before, when I’ve been struggling-struggling under over-full schedules I self-imposed because I thought that to be spend my time usefully, I had to be busy, or struggling with fear of nightmares that haunted me, and haunted me, and hunted me down, or struggling for next to no reason at all, with loneliness and a weary acceptance of defeat: a weary acceptance of the idea that not only was I not really loved, but that I couldn’t be loved, or was fundamentally unlovable; even acceptance that I was completely replaceable: it ultimately didn’t matter if I was alive or dead. I even contemplated (as a possible career decision) somehow going off and becoming a hermit, so if I was alone, it was by choice. …I even thought for a while that if I couldn’t be loved, I’d rather be feared and thus surrounded by loyal minions than completely alone! I’m not sure to what extent I believed it, but I thought it!
Amazing, and laughable isn’t it, seeing this array of weird, mostly self-imposed struggles all in front of you at the same time? Not that I believed each of these lies all at once, or that I wanted to believe them…but I thought, looking at the evidence in my life and the world around me, that these were true.
I knew that God loved people, but somehow I couldn’t extend that to me. I knew that my family loves me, but it seemed kind of obligation-based. Biased reasoning lead to wrong beliefs, and wrong beliefs lead to biased reasoning.
But are you sure you’ve never thought something similar? Are you sure how you view yourself is consistent with the truth? If you’re sure, I challenge you :). (I won’t challenge you to a duel, because that would be silly). But I challenge you to look at your life, and all your relationships. I challenge you to listen.
As for myself, I can guarantee that I still have some munted beliefs about who I am or what part I play in the world. It’s not like I found some magic “I’m suddenly awesome” pill. But as soon as one such false belief comes to light, I have someone who listens. I know I have someone who understands. And more than anything else, I have someone who loves me, and not only wants to help me, but has the power to help me change, and know the truth, and be free :). His name is Jesus.
The cool thing about Jesus is that he’s always here. He’s never too far away to listen, nor to distant not to want to give you a hug. And he’s always the annoying, but oh so necessary guy who is willing to ask questions, and challenge you, and nag you a little bit so you know the truth. And he’s always (often annoyingly) right! Always! :). But he asserts this all lovingly, of course. :). Do you know him like I know him?